It’s Just in Your Head (But It Feels So Real)

Yesterday I watched one of the episodes of MAFS Israel. They just launched a new version of the show, designed for people who are searching for love the second time around. There was one man who stood out to me. He seemed kind, gentle, and grounded. And yet, you could see he carried a deep insecurity. He felt his manhood wasn’t enough. It saddened me, because out of all the men on the show, he actually had what looked to me like the perfect balance of qualities: a healthy amount of masculinity mixed with gentleness and kindness. But he couldn’t see it. At one point, he even said to another man that he wished he had some of his machismo, as though something essential was missing in him.

When his match heard this, it was as if that insecurity suddenly became visible. She repeated it back to him, that maybe this is what they were lacking in their relationship. And though he appeared composed at first, you could see the hurt underneath. Later, when he was alone with the camera, he let it spill out. It was like he thought, ‘I knew it all along, and now it’s been confirmed.’

Watching him, I wanted to reach through the screen, shake him, and tell him, “It’s just in your head!”

But then I realized, how many times have people wanted to do the same for me? How many times have I clung to the labels I gave myself, no matter what anyone else said? It’s crazy how stubborn the labels we give ourselves can be. They’re sticky. They shape the way we see ourselves and even how others see us, until they create a kind of false reality. And the worst part is that the more we believe them, the more we start acting in ways that reinforce them.

Maybe the work, for him, for me, for all of us, is to clean our mirrors and look more carefully at ourselves. And when those old labels rise, to remember that they don’t have to define the whole story.