The Anatomy of a Genuine Apology
I watched Sandman season 2 the other day, and there’s a scene that really stuck with me, one where Dream apologizes to his sister (I found someone who posted the scene on TikTok if you want to see).
After she tells him to go away, Dream replies:
“If that is what you wish, I will go away. But first, if I may… I would speak with you. I’ve come here to tell you that I am… sorry. I lied to you. And I broke your trust. And I recognize that. And if you, or any of our siblings, had done the same to me, then I would never have forgiven you. So I will not ask forgiveness. But I will ask… if you’re amenable, that we resume our journey together.”
Delirium then asks, “Dream, do you like me?”
“Well, you never fail to surprise me, which is no small feat. And it distresses me to see you troubled. So, I suppose I must,” he says with a smile. Chuckling, Delirium replies, “Well, I think I like you too, [imitating Dream] when you’re not being scary.”
That scene moved something in me, and I found myself rewatching it over and over until I knew it by heart (did someone say ADHD?). Part of why it touched me so much is because I’ve been holding on to incidents in my life that felt deeply unfair. And although I’m pretty sure I’ll never receive any kind of apology for those things, I sometimes still find myself wishing for one. I wonder if it would make the burden lighter. Maybe.
I was raised with the idea that you should always apologize and take responsibility, no matter what. As an adult, I’m quick to apologize because I usually can identify the exact ingredient I added in whatever went wrong. When I do apologize, I genuinely feel the need to because it comes after I have walked a mile in the other person’s shoes and deeply empathized with them. Then, clearly stating what I’m apologizing for feels like the easy part.
But I’ve noticed not everyone apologizes this way. Some don’t see what they did wrong at all. Others apologize with a conditional “if,” like, “If I said or did something that hurt you…” as if watching you collapsed and broken at their feet isn’t proof enough. And then there are those who simply say “sorry” without making the apology feel sincere or thoughtful and without showing any real remorse or understanding of what they did.
All of this got me thinking about what a good apology really looks like. Of course, this is just my personal reflection, I know some believe actions speak louder than words, or that apologies can’t fix everything. But for me, I think Dream’s (or should I say Gaiman’s) words offer a great format:
Recognize fully and specifically what you did wrong.
Understand how the other person might interpret your behavior and put yourself in their place.
Imagine how you might react if the roles were reversed, and see that you might have reacted the same way in their situation.
If we can do that, truly see and feel what we did wrong, apologizing becomes easier and more natural, and the regret is genuine and visible
Even though it’s a fictional scene, I think moments like these, besides the brilliant acting skills, reveal something very real about our human need for true connection and understanding. The show itself is such a masterpiece on so many levels.
I feel like watching that scene again now 😅
Somehow, even just imagining receiving that kind of apology makes me feel a little healed.
