|| Bad Girl ||

He opened a bottle of red, and wore his devilish smile.
And I'm already dead. Why not? Let's shut down for a while.

One thing led to another,
And I'm still confused; was he a foe or a lover?
Now I'm swallowed. Lost in his dark silky sheets,
Not sure what's the right cost of my last few beats.
And the bloody silver lining at the seams,
Makes a mockery of my wishes and dreams.

And so I let go. And I fall.
And for a precious minute, everything seems small.
I surrender. I accept defeat.
Please, can I start over? Or press delete?
Because now that I see how it all played out,
I want the whole world to hear me shout—

I'm an angel in your eyes,
But a monster in disguise,
Trying to convince you that I'm good,
That whatever you need me to be, I would.
But there's something you don't know,
Perhaps if you did, you'd let me go.

You see, I lost my internal war.
And my skin is different to the one I wore.
I cannot unknow the things that I do.
And so I cannot be who you once knew.

It's easier to delude myself, to think I'm alone and hated.
That nothing can bridge the gap I created.
And between infection and the dreary,
I grew tired and weary.
I’ve become intolerant of sweat,
And I need the simplest escape I can get.

Another goodbye, another harrowing cry,
And I know you keep asking why.
And so I wake up with guilt—
How did I ruin what I carefully built?
Moving heavy with my day,
Pretending everything is okay.
Fantasizing about quiet,
And simultaneously, about a tiny riot.
I want you to leave me alone, but not to give up on me,
I want to atone, but also to flee.

And I'm so mad. Did I always have this dark side?
How can I accept this and just let it slide?
And I'm so goddamn scared.
I'm a big girl, yet so unprepared.

And this demon expands on my fear,
Convinces me there's no other way but to disappear.
He's here reminding me what I've done,
He dwells on times I've stayed when I wanted to run.
So he pours more poison into my soul,
Whispers the price of playing a role.

And I hate him! But how can I win?
He's a monument built from all that's caved within.
I cannot believe this is what I turned out to be,
So far from the image of what I wanted to see.

Now I'm weak, and his voice is loud.
I crumble, and he's erect and proud.
So with my back against the wall,
I raise my white flag and answer his call.

I’m going to merge into the quiet, set this cruel beast free,
Wishing you knew that I'm sorry you got to know me.